An Open Letter to Dany Heatley

Dear Dany,

Guess what I did today? I got up, brushed my teeth, put on semi-respectable clothes and dragged my sorry butt to a job I don't always like.

For a LOT less than $8,000,000 a year.


Joke.


Your friend,
-Aaron @ the Outsider


PS - Good job on that whole "writing your name" thing. TOTALLY worth $4,000,000



EDIT: Please see Down Goes Brown for his thoughts on Heatley.

An Open Letter to the City of Columbus

Dear Columbus,

Saved you a seat.

Your friend,
Aaron @ blueland outsider

An Open Letter to Brooks Orpik

Dear Brooks Orpik,

Dude, you're making it very hard for me to continue hating the Penguins.

Stop it. Stop it right now.

The reasons for hating the Pens are numerous and egregious.

Reason #1:


Okay, okay, you're right... that's too easy. I promise, I won't bring him up anymore...

But, c'mon, he's just such a.....

I know. I'll behave. Sorry.

Reason #2:

Tyler Freaking Kennedy

Seriously, he looks like one of the kids I routinely kick out of my store for playing obnoxiously loud (and incredibly awful) Metallica covers. And how can you really take seriously anyone who wears a shirt like this:


Mm-hm. Yup. Moving on.


Reason #3:

Matt Cooke

Why Matt? WHY MATT? Um, for starters:

Oh, and there's always:

And... well... I really didn't want to bring this up, but....

He eats babies.

I know, I know... a pretty shocking & heavy allegation, but see for yourself:

Matt Cooke, basting a baby.

Matt Cooke, upon being told eating a baby is a Game Misconduct.

I didn't think it'd come to that. I'm sorry you had to hear it this way, Brooks.

And really, there are so many other reasons why hating the Pens is just so gosh-darn easy. But for the sake of time I'm gonna skip to the only reason why I like the Pens:

That's right, baby... you.

I knew there was something special when I first saw The Shift.

And then, the Greatest. Shop. Ever.

C'mon, dude... it's freaking hilarious.

But what really locked me in was this past Sunday's game against the Flyers. You took that high stick to the face, and before anyone knew what was going on, you were back out on the bench, ready to go. As a matter of fact, you were so fast, no pictures survive of the alleged "event," so we present an artists rendering:

Note manly unnecessary stitches.

This brings me to my suggestion: you should pull a Geno, and defect to Atlanta. Srsly, it's like a whole other country down here, Pittsburgh wouldn't even know where to find you. Why are you looking at me like that? Here are some reasons why this is good idea:

1) Instant Fame
With that manly studliness that you posses, you would be a household name here in the footbawl-lovin' south. I can hear it now: "Wooo-eeee, boy! I cain't tell whut thay whus doin with that thar rubber thingy, but boyhowdy that Oar-pick shore can lay um out! I ain't never goin back to no footbawl game!"*

*ED NOTE: We here at the Outsider love the south, and do not wish to offend. We're merely using this horribly outdated stereotype for comedic effect. Thanks for your understanding. That shirt looks great on you, by the way.

2) Colby's Already Here.
He can save you a seat at lunch and a locker next to his. Oh, and I think he was looking for someone to double with him and Diane Lane.

3) I Will Buy You a Beer Whenever You Like
No kidding, all you have to do is call me up. Just give your phone to the bartender/waiter, and BAM. Free beer. Bud, Guinness, even the old Pottsville Pisswater. But watch those carbs, buddy...

4) Playing With Ilya Kovalchuk, King of Russia
See, people don't know it yet, but Kovy will go down as the greatest Russian leader since Czar Nicolas II. Not only is he a scoring machine, but he's also:

magic...

great at scoring Hawks' tickets, and...

...um, ignore this one. I'm sure there's a very good and rational explanation. For a leather kilt...

Besides, would you rather play for a captain that fights like this...

...or like this?

Sorry, sorry, I said I wouldn't mention him... sorry.

Anyway, take some time to think it over. We don't need answer now, you've got important things to do. Just take some time, consider all the facts, make a rational decision. But I have a feeling....

....next round. Is on me.


Your friend,
Aaron @ blueland outsider

Gameday Rangers: An Open Letter to Ilya Kovalchuk

Dear Ilya,

Hey dude! Can't wait to see you guys tonight; I actually got really good tickets this time, instead of that icebox up in the 300s I usually sit in. Well, not that it would take much to get better tickets, someone's always giving away something some where....

But don't think about that.

Anyway, in case you weren't sure who you were playing tonight, it's the New York *expletive* Rangers. Yea, that team with the $20mil "top line" that's averaging 50 points each. Yea, I know, right? Total.... whatever that Russian word was. They're in and out of the playoffs depending on what time it is, and on whether or not King Henrik has had his Wheaties. I mean, c'mon.. they had to go and bring back Torts, for pete's sake...

But also on the FYI tip... I don't know if you noticed, but they got Sean back. Yeah, the America's Top Model reject from the playoffs. But hey, that whole "Avery Rule" thing was kinda amusing, just cause it's Marty, right?

No? Okay, moving on.

My point here is this:

See, that's the Angry Kovy. You know where angry Kovy sits? In the time out box. Yes. Shame. You know who we want to see more of? Good-Lord-Where'd-That-Come-From Kovy:

And that's the thing, that Kovy there is... no offense here... a teensy bit more productive than angry Kovy. But, hey, in the moment, I like Angry Kovy just as much as I like Boults and Thor, and even Oyster-man lately. But just cause it feels good, well, that doesn't quite make it right. Y'know, Ryan Kennedy over at the Hockey News actually had some pretty good advice. He wrote that after you & that caveman Ian White mixed it up a little. But if Crosby can get away with throwing an occasional trantrum like the straight-laced 9th grade honor student who just can't take the pressure (or the bullying) anymore, why can't you?

But I digress. Before you let Mr. Avery get under your skin again, may I make a sugestion? Here's what he looks like to you:


Yea, it'd be real is to give in to the Dark Side and wipe that smirk off his face. But two things: 1) that'd probably get you at least 2 minutes of shame, and 2) ewwwww, you don't know where that face has been. But here's what Seany-boy looks like to the rest of us:

Yup. A great big tool. This joker is a headset mic away from being a Backstreet Boy. And just cause I'm in a little 'shoppin kinda mood:

Srsly, this guy is more worried about matching belts & shoes that anything else. So when you see this:


Just think:


Ooo ooo ooo.... and then.... and then.... and then you could check him real hard into the boards, and say something like "Blue shirts are so last year" in that bad motha Russian accent and skate away and score, like, a bazillion hat tricks. That would be SO awesome.

Anyway, do good tonight, congrats on the new baby, and anytime you need to hug it out, I'm here.

Your friend,
Aaron @ Blueland Outsider


Other business:

- Pens fans, someone please explain to me what use Matt Cooke is to your team. Other than, you know, hitting people really hard in slightly dirty ways. Cause he can't hit the broad side of a barn.

(Any mentions of Patrik Stefan will be ignored. We have Don Waddell. You have Ray Shero. We get, like, 10,000 mulligans when it come to draft choices.)

- As if this post didn't have enough pictures. Here's a warning to all the refs out there:


Get that whistle ready. He'll say things, & you'll cry.

Buncha pansies.

Go Thrashers.
Rangers suck.