Thursday, April 23, 2009

An Open Letter to Brooks Orpik

Dear Brooks Orpik,

Dude, you're making it very hard for me to continue hating the Penguins.

Stop it. Stop it right now.

The reasons for hating the Pens are numerous and egregious.

Reason #1:

Okay, okay, you're right... that's too easy. I promise, I won't bring him up anymore...

But, c'mon, he's just such a.....

I know. I'll behave. Sorry.

Reason #2:

Tyler Freaking Kennedy

Seriously, he looks like one of the kids I routinely kick out of my store for playing obnoxiously loud (and incredibly awful) Metallica covers. And how can you really take seriously anyone who wears a shirt like this:

Mm-hm. Yup. Moving on.

Reason #3:

Matt Cooke

Why Matt? WHY MATT? Um, for starters:

Oh, and there's always:

And... well... I really didn't want to bring this up, but....

He eats babies.

I know, I know... a pretty shocking & heavy allegation, but see for yourself:

Matt Cooke, basting a baby.

Matt Cooke, upon being told eating a baby is a Game Misconduct.

I didn't think it'd come to that. I'm sorry you had to hear it this way, Brooks.

And really, there are so many other reasons why hating the Pens is just so gosh-darn easy. But for the sake of time I'm gonna skip to the only reason why I like the Pens:

That's right, baby... you.

I knew there was something special when I first saw The Shift.

And then, the Greatest. Shop. Ever.

C'mon, dude... it's freaking hilarious.

But what really locked me in was this past Sunday's game against the Flyers. You took that high stick to the face, and before anyone knew what was going on, you were back out on the bench, ready to go. As a matter of fact, you were so fast, no pictures survive of the alleged "event," so we present an artists rendering:

Note manly unnecessary stitches.

This brings me to my suggestion: you should pull a Geno, and defect to Atlanta. Srsly, it's like a whole other country down here, Pittsburgh wouldn't even know where to find you. Why are you looking at me like that? Here are some reasons why this is good idea:

1) Instant Fame
With that manly studliness that you posses, you would be a household name here in the footbawl-lovin' south. I can hear it now: "Wooo-eeee, boy! I cain't tell whut thay whus doin with that thar rubber thingy, but boyhowdy that Oar-pick shore can lay um out! I ain't never goin back to no footbawl game!"*

*ED NOTE: We here at the Outsider love the south, and do not wish to offend. We're merely using this horribly outdated stereotype for comedic effect. Thanks for your understanding. That shirt looks great on you, by the way.

2) Colby's Already Here.
He can save you a seat at lunch and a locker next to his. Oh, and I think he was looking for someone to double with him and Diane Lane.

3) I Will Buy You a Beer Whenever You Like
No kidding, all you have to do is call me up. Just give your phone to the bartender/waiter, and BAM. Free beer. Bud, Guinness, even the old Pottsville Pisswater. But watch those carbs, buddy...

4) Playing With Ilya Kovalchuk, King of Russia
See, people don't know it yet, but Kovy will go down as the greatest Russian leader since Czar Nicolas II. Not only is he a scoring machine, but he's also:


great at scoring Hawks' tickets, and..., ignore this one. I'm sure there's a very good and rational explanation. For a leather kilt...

Besides, would you rather play for a captain that fights like this...

...or like this?

Sorry, sorry, I said I wouldn't mention him... sorry.

Anyway, take some time to think it over. We don't need answer now, you've got important things to do. Just take some time, consider all the facts, make a rational decision. But I have a feeling.... round. Is on me.

Your friend,
Aaron @ blueland outsider


Mortimer Peacock said...

A few things.

1. I've always been a huge Brooks Orpik fan. In fact, I desperately wanted us to sign him last summer.

2. I had a LOL conniption over the photographic proof that Matt Cooke bastes babies.

3. Teenagers who play Metallica covers at guitar stores need to be kicked out and actually kicked. I am a fan of the pre-91 stuff, though...

4. You own a guitar store?

aaron said...

No ownage, just manage. But, the owner is never really here, so I quickly developed a hardy sense of responsibility and attachment that culminated in the use of the word "my."

I'm not uncomfortable admitting I cried a little when Orpik was locked up last year. Solid defensive play coupled with mythic folk-hero status doesn't come along every day.

Thrashers Recaps said...

I second that on Tyler Kennedy.

Megan said...

Awwww too bad Brooks loves Pittsburgh now that Therrien is gone. :( He loves winning too... And the Pens happen to have a Russian machine, actually two.

And really. who wants to stare at Colby's nose all day?