Thursday, March 26, 2009

Gameday Rangers: An Open Letter to Ilya Kovalchuk

Dear Ilya,

Hey dude! Can't wait to see you guys tonight; I actually got really good tickets this time, instead of that icebox up in the 300s I usually sit in. Well, not that it would take much to get better tickets, someone's always giving away something some where....

But don't think about that.

Anyway, in case you weren't sure who you were playing tonight, it's the New York *expletive* Rangers. Yea, that team with the $20mil "top line" that's averaging 50 points each. Yea, I know, right? Total.... whatever that Russian word was. They're in and out of the playoffs depending on what time it is, and on whether or not King Henrik has had his Wheaties. I mean, c'mon.. they had to go and bring back Torts, for pete's sake...

But also on the FYI tip... I don't know if you noticed, but they got Sean back. Yeah, the America's Top Model reject from the playoffs. But hey, that whole "Avery Rule" thing was kinda amusing, just cause it's Marty, right?

No? Okay, moving on.

My point here is this:

See, that's the Angry Kovy. You know where angry Kovy sits? In the time out box. Yes. Shame. You know who we want to see more of? Good-Lord-Where'd-That-Come-From Kovy:

And that's the thing, that Kovy there is... no offense here... a teensy bit more productive than angry Kovy. But, hey, in the moment, I like Angry Kovy just as much as I like Boults and Thor, and even Oyster-man lately. But just cause it feels good, well, that doesn't quite make it right. Y'know, Ryan Kennedy over at the Hockey News actually had some pretty good advice. He wrote that after you & that caveman Ian White mixed it up a little. But if Crosby can get away with throwing an occasional trantrum like the straight-laced 9th grade honor student who just can't take the pressure (or the bullying) anymore, why can't you?

But I digress. Before you let Mr. Avery get under your skin again, may I make a sugestion? Here's what he looks like to you:

Yea, it'd be real is to give in to the Dark Side and wipe that smirk off his face. But two things: 1) that'd probably get you at least 2 minutes of shame, and 2) ewwwww, you don't know where that face has been. But here's what Seany-boy looks like to the rest of us:

Yup. A great big tool. This joker is a headset mic away from being a Backstreet Boy. And just cause I'm in a little 'shoppin kinda mood:

Srsly, this guy is more worried about matching belts & shoes that anything else. So when you see this:

Just think:

Ooo ooo ooo.... and then.... and then.... and then you could check him real hard into the boards, and say something like "Blue shirts are so last year" in that bad motha Russian accent and skate away and score, like, a bazillion hat tricks. That would be SO awesome.

Anyway, do good tonight, congrats on the new baby, and anytime you need to hug it out, I'm here.

Your friend,
Aaron @ Blueland Outsider

Other business:

- Pens fans, someone please explain to me what use Matt Cooke is to your team. Other than, you know, hitting people really hard in slightly dirty ways. Cause he can't hit the broad side of a barn.

(Any mentions of Patrik Stefan will be ignored. We have Don Waddell. You have Ray Shero. We get, like, 10,000 mulligans when it come to draft choices.)

- As if this post didn't have enough pictures. Here's a warning to all the refs out there:

Get that whistle ready. He'll say things, & you'll cry.

Buncha pansies.
Go Thrashers.
Rangers suck.


Thrashers Recaps said...

lol headset mic. You should photoshop him in with the backstreet boys.

Laura said...

Loved the Little 'shop. He must've really hurt the ref's feelings during the Habs game. Bless his heart, he should write an apology note or somethng.